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  • Chris Davy

S is for...Spank the Monkey


How class was that game by the way?!


Anyway, today is INTERNATIONAL MASTURBATION DAY!!!


Seriously, it’s a thing. I only found out today, myself. Apparently it’s a thing in response to Bill Clinton firing Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders in 1994 for suggesting that masturbation should be a part of sexual education for students.


Positive sex retailer Good Vibrations declared the day in response.


Now, as for me...and the deed...Trace and I were initially supposed to go through IVF mate. So, yeah, I’ve done it. SHOCK SHOCK HORROR HORROR SHOCK SHOCK!!!


BUT, we didn’t have to go through IVF in the end. Which is a whole ‘nother story. But perhaps we didn’t go through it partly due to the fact that my sperm must have got their shit together and got it done.


Probably thanks all the training I’d given them over the years to prepare for the task at hand. Which would be the height of my paranoia at University. smoking a blunt and then coming to the conclusion that maybe that’s how I gave myself a hernia. Maybe...


That and the fact I was stoned 75% of the time and then spontaneously getting up to play basketball the rest of it. Not the best strength and conditioning routine you could ever come up with. Supported by a diet of pizza, pasta bakes and chips.


What a wanker.


Something someone supposedly said


“Be strong, believe in freedom and God, love yourself, understand yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humour, masturbate, don’t judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.” - Madonna Ciccone


Songs


I touch myself - Divinyls

It’s only me - Barenaked Ladies

Longview - Green Day

Doin’ Laundry - Nerd Herder

Every day I die - Gary Numan

Muscle of Love - Alice Cooper

The Stroke - Billy Squier

Fingers - Pink

Jizzlobber - Faith No More

Homemade - Sebadoh

Auto-Manipulator - Crispin Glover

Vibrator - Electric Six

Darling Nikki - Prince

Icicle - Tori Amos

Orgasm Addict - The Buzzcocks