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  • Chris Davy

S is for...Slaaaag


So yesterday, was Mother’s Day, and Trace goes to me...after reading the Show Love entry...


“Nothing in there about me though is there?”


“That’s the only reason I read your shit.”


“Cunt.”


And so I figured I’d write this to make up for it.


Trace you smell.

Trace eat my shit.

Trace get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Trace you have a face like a wobbly gammon.

Trace I love you. Ha. That’s a lie. You have toes like stale wotsits.

That’s why they stink.

Trace your beard is bigger than Santa’s.

Trace your bum looks like your face, ugly.

Trace when you speak I wish you would just shut the fuck up.

Trace you are a terrible Mum.

Trace I hate it when you kiss me because your moustache tickles my face.

Trace I like your hair.

Trace you have a brain like a little tray. Full of shit.

Trace you are rubbish at your job. You probably do more harm than good.

Trace I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. I’d cook marshmallows on you, and other tasty delicacies, and then smash them in my gob but not share them with you.

Trace I would not give you my last rolo. I would take a poo nugget that was clearly a poo nugget, wrap it up in a rolo wrapper and offer it to you as my last rolo, knowing full well that you would know it was a poo nugget, but I wouldn’t give a fuck. Eat my rolo poo nugget you wobbly gammon faced bitch!

Trace you make the shittest cups of tea.

Trace no one likes your fucking cakes. They just say that they do to keep you happy.

Trace when you sing it sounds like a gorilla farting during sex.

Trace your face looks like a pizza. But not a tasty one that would be nice to have for dinner. But a shit one.

Trace your cuddles are so lame, I would rather be hugged by a bus travelling at 100mph.

Trace you are a fucking pathetic cook. I would rather eat a wall.

Trace you smell.

Trace you are so stupid you don’t even know how stupid you are.

Trace when you cry you look like an absolute munter.

Trace when you laugh you sound like a warthog choking on the cock of a blue whale, unfortunately you don’t choke and die.

Trace a paving slab has more personality than you.

Trace no one likes you.

Trace every night before you go to sleep I wipe my bum exactly where you put your face on your pillow, I do it to try and improve how minging your face looks because it looks that bad. I would say on a scale of 1 to pig faced cunt, you still look like a fucking scrotum.


And finally....because I’m getting bored of wasting my life and energy on you.


Trace you are a slag.


Who doesn’t love a good quote?


“Trace fuck off and die.” - Chris Davy


Songs to listen to now:


The sound of Trace shutting the fuck up!

©2018 S is for Something