• Chris Davy

S is for... Shit Jokes

Shit Jokes. These literally make the world go round. Whether you like it or not. I don’t care how ‘shit’ the joke is, it’s a joke, give it to me. I might not always get it, that's my problem. When you don't get it, let's be fair, that's shitter than the shit joke. I hate not getting jokes. Especially when they are shit jokes, because it means I have to redo the joke once I get it, and chances are it isn't as funny. BUT, that doesn't mean don't tell me again. Just surprise me with it later.

Now I’m a Dad as well, I am further immersed in the Dad Joke Club. But you don’t have to be a Dad to enjoy a shit joke.

Plus we’ve just had Christmas and a bunch of us will have been fully amongst the shit jokes. Get your crackers out!

One of my favourite shit jokes of all time is...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was holding on to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he thought it was a game.

Now, without going too Sigmund Freud on you, if you didn’t laugh at that. I’m saying you probably need to lighten up a bit. Because that, THAT, is a banging joke.

That joke, like loads of jokes when I was growing up, had me pissing myself! And I have pissed myself laughing. I can say, hand on heart, I have laughed so hard, I HAVE pissed myself. I was about 13/14 and I would have been watching a Lee Evans video in my room. Don’t know what the jokes would have been. Just think he’s well funny. The video would have been Lee Evans: The Ultimate Experience.

I think he is one hell of a funny guy. I don’t give a fuck if he is like Norman Wisdom. What, so he should stop doing his comedy because it’s similar to something that has been done historically? Yeah, nice logic. Guess we should all just stop doing what we’re are doing then, sit here and wait to die because there is so much shit that has been done previously that we’d all be copy cats.

Oh yeah, and as for jokes being offensive. Well yeah, they are. Aaaaaaaannnnnnnddddddd what?...That’s mean?

What about sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me? Ok, words will hurt sometimes..but it’s not like being smashed in the face by a baseball bat is it? Would you rather I made a joke about fat people, or smashed you in the face with a baseball bat? *Classic deflection technique employed their by yours truly* Moving on...

A joke is exactly that, a joke.

If it’s made in the right arena then it’s fine. If it’s made by a friend, persistently, then maybe it isn’t a joke. Maybe that’s bullying and they are a piece of shit. Because no, that’s not funny. So maybe they aren’t a real friend.

Just chill a bit and go and find some shit jokes to read. Here I’ll start you off:

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone else.

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

Gold! Absolute gold!

Now piss off!

Who doesn't love a good quote?

“I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell an audience. There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.” - Billy Connolly

Songs to listen to now:

No songs today mate, just shit jokes, go and find some shit jokes. Literally, search the internet for shit jokes. Peace.

©2018 S is for Something